Nodding Acquaintance
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I would drag my dick through a mile of broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie.

celestia:

once i had a dream that my cat was working at mcdonalds w/ me and she had a lil uniform and she kept getting fur in the fries and everyone was yelling at me and saying “ur cat sucks on fries” and i was like “shes just a cat give her a break!” and i woke up crying

oqk:

put 100 kids in a room…. kill 10… only 90 kids will remember this

officialunitedstates:

Got a wasp nest in your backyard?  I’ll shoot it with my sniper rifle.  Sometimes the nest explodes, and sometimes I miss and hit your barbeque grill, but that’s all part of the experience.  $20 a nest

neighborhoodfreakk:

Me: *at a white persons house*
Friend: my moms making dinner.. Spaghetti with ketchup
Me: my mom said I gotta come home right now immediately

armadillo:

Do you think people send nudes to team snapchat